Confusing times
by anneyy
Summary: Post 5x19 choking scene, Owen's thoughts on the whole thing. wrote this after I watched it, hopefully this isn't trash.


Title: Refusing times (One-shot)

Rating: T (mentions of mental illness: PTSD)

Pairing: Owen x Cristina

Scene: Beginning of season 5 episode 19 (Post Choking scene)

Fandom: Greys anatomy

Word count: 2162

Status: Complete

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"Owen!"

His breaths was heavy as he felt himself let go of something, his mind was in shambles as he tried to regain some form of dexterity with his hands. His whole body was shaking as he tried to process what was going on then it hit him.

 _Cristina._

All of a sudden he felt the tears falling, his hands shaking as he came to the realisation of what he did to his girlfriend. He didn't want to think about it, he tried to strangle- possibly kill- his own girlfriend.

 _Dammit!_

Her erratic breathes and cries could be heard from the bathroom plus the clicking of the lock, all he wanted was to go over there and tell her how sorry he was for this. Soon the cries diminished into whimpers and he was tempted to knock on the door but Callie looked like she was about to stop him if he tried.

"Meredith, Owen. Something happened. You need to come over quick. Cristina is crying, I don't know what's going on" Callies frantic voice said. "Yes, I'm sorry that I called so early."

Callie had called Meredith, obviously, and he waited for Cristina's best friend to show up. He could hear the phone call but his head cut out half of the conversation, Callies mouth moves as she explained to Meredith what was going on. Owen was unsure if he could hear hints of anger or any other emotion because he didn't register the sounds that were coming from her mouth. He knew it was an instant slap in the face when Meredith realises what was going on.

Owens breaths were still erratic, but his tears had dried as he tried to piece together what had happened. He couldn't remember past the realisation that he was choking Cristina, when Callie had called his name. His mind refused to stay calm, it was in overdrive at this point. He wasn't good enough for Cristina, he never was. He was a fool to try to be anything other than a health hazard to her. He wasn't good enough for her, he needed to leave before he caused more problems.

He vaguely remembered what happened before he went to bed. They were watching surgical videos of carotid endarterectomies before realizing that she had fallen asleep. The fan whirled above him, sending cool air down. It was also vaguely similar to helicopter propellers like the ones he saw land during the war.

 _Cristina, I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry._

He was nowhere near good for her, out of everything he wanted to be there for her. He didn't mean for any of this to happen. Callie stood there in silence as she watched Owen, he could feel her eyes shooting daggers into his back. She wanted answers and so did he, but whether or not he'd be here when he received those answers were still a big question mark to him.

His whole head was still spinning, drenched with guilt as he sat in the room, waiting for Meredith to show up. His body was soon bathed in numbness as he tried to regain feeling in his limbs, nothing seemed to make him feel better. And he didn't expect anything to make him feel better.

 _Fan_

 _The helicopter blades whirling above him as they landed the chopper. Soldiers hit with all sort of injuries. Gunshot wounds, shrapnel, bomb injuries. Everything._

 _Fan_

 _Cristina._ If she was hurt, badly or even died. He would never forgive himself for doing that. He couldn't pin what made him tick, and he was a doctor for heaven sake. Nothing made sense, his hands were still shaking and he felt the tears reignite. Soon he felt his head in his hands, trying to make sense of everything that had happened. There was a sting going through his right arm, it was a scratch. A relatively new and deep scratch. His heart sunk to farther than his stomach, she tried to defend herself. It showed her desperate need of oxygen, she was clawing at him to get his hands off her neck.

 _I'm so sorry. Cristina._

"What happened?" Callie asked, finally breaking the silence. Her voice was cold and Owen expected it to be.

"I don't know."

"How can you not know?" She was practically yelling at him before a knock on the door. It was Meredith and Owen didn't know how to feel. He lost feeling, he wasn't good enough for her. He was never good enough for anybody.

"Callie, it's me. Meredith, can you let me in?"

Callie opened the door to reveal Meredith standing there. Owen couldn't meet her eye, he just looked down and didn't make eye contact.

Meredith strutted over to the bathroom and rapped on the tinted glass. "It's me. Cristina" The lock turned and she opened the door. Voices could be heard but Owen couldn't pay attention. He was angry, angry at himself for letting this happen. Guilty that he almost killed her, she was alive but he was unsure of how he could live with the guilt. It was weighing him down, he wanted to forget about to tonight. He wanted to forget everything, the war, the memories. Most of all he wanted Cristina to forgive him.

He heaved himself up and made his way to the bathroom, Callie didn't move she was just hovering by the door frame watching Owen move to the bathroom door. He could hear Meredith angry yells before he heard Cristina defend him. He didn't deserve that, he didn't deserve to be defended. What he did was despicable, even if she forgave him. He doubted he ever would forgive himself.

"Cristina, please." His voice came out hoarse, as he stood outside the bathroom. "If you're alright, I need to know. Meredith, I just need to know if she's alright'

Meredith voice was almost insisting that Cristina didn't go to him, but she pushed him aside. He felt the rush of air as she opened the door to see Cristina face to face. Her neck was red, and slightly swelling. Guilt instantly flooded his entire body, he couldn't believe he did that to her.

"I'm so sorry, Cristina. I don't know what happened" He could feel his voice breaking as he couldn't contain his tears. "I-I don't know what happened. I'm sorry" He couldn't meet her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes as they talked. He couldn't look at her, he wanted to go far far away so he wouldn't ever hurt her again.

"Look at me" Cristina said, firmly. He didn't expect her to speak, not at all.

"I'm sorry" He gaze dropped down further with one hand on the bathroom door frame trying to hold him upright because he was sure as hell not able to support his own weight after seeing her again.

"Look at me" She repeated. His blue eyes, begrudgingly, looked up at her warm brown eyes. He didn't want to see the pain, yet he did. And it was the pain that he caused. "I'm fine, see. It's okay"

Frankly, Owen couldn't see that she was fine. Part of him wanted so badly to believe her, but he knew better. He caused this, it was pain. Physical and possibly emotional pain. His gaze dropped from her eyes to her red, semi-swollen neck. The scratches were there too and some early sign of bruising started to appear. _I did that,_ he thought. _I did that!_ He growled to himself. _I hurt you._

"It's okay, you were asleep. It's okay" This time it was her turn for her voice to break "Okay?" She drew him into a tight hug. Out of everything that happened that night, he didn't expect her to forgive him at all, he didn't deserve to be forgiven.

"I'm sorry" He repeated, as he felt her curls around his face. He semi buried his face into Cristinas locks and he finally let go of the doorframe to wrap her into a tight hug.

"It's okay." She repeated, over and over again. But inside Owen knew, that it was far from okay. He was a danger hazard, he almost killed his girlfriend and despite her best efforts she was scared too. He was scared, he never wanted to hurt her; she didn't deserve that. She deserved better than him.

It wasn't okay, and he knew it. He didn't know if she knew that it wasn't okay, he was sure that Meredith and Callie would have stabbed him if they saw him do it again. He was a danger to everyone, everyone he knew. Nothing could make up what he lost today, he wanted to tell her that but his breath was erratic and frantic. Heart rate elevated like it did when he released her.

 _It wasn't okay._

He loved her, but he was a danger to her. She deserved better, he wasn't good enough for her. Soon the franticness settled and he felt numb in her arms. Numb.

 _Not good enough._

 _Never good enough. Never for her._

His arms were wrapped around her, sobbing into her shoulder. And she clinged onto his as well, making sure that he was okay when he should have checked on her sooner. Owen wasn't worth this, he didn't deserve what Cristina gave him. He pulled back and looked into her hazel eyes. They were filled with tears and beneath there was also sadness.

"Leave." Meredith voiced in a low growl. She was looking straight into Owen's eyes, prompting him to leave. _Insisting_ that he left.

"No Mer, it's okay. He had a nightmare, we've been through this." Cristina replied, trying to protest against Meredith's insistence that he leave. Callie stood behind Owen, not making much of a sound.

"No, Cristina. She's right. I'll leave." Owen said, he walked away. His eyes fell again, refusing to meet the two residents that were standing in front of him. He snagged his jacket from the coats rack and left the house.

Despite Cristina's feeble protest, Owen allowed himself to leave. How could he be in the same room as them, in the same room as his girlfriends so called "person"and not be expected to be kicked out of her apartment? It was selfish thinking by Owen's part. _You don't deserve her,_ his mind thought. And he never agreed more.

The cold air was almost a slap in the face as he walked out of her apartment building, it was Seattle after all. The sun hasn't risen yet, so it was cold like it always was. He couldn't bring himself to head back to his own place, there was no point. He had to be at the hospital by 7:00 anyway.

The quiet demeanor of Seattle Grace hospital was soothing change after the events that happened. But it wasn't enough, his mind still raced replaying every single thing that he could remember. It was coming back in bits and pieces but he still couldn't remember the choking of _her._ The aftermath came first then the cold sweat of waking up to Cristina's frantic screams. Gasping for air, muffled crying from the bathroom.

He found a place in the oncall rooms, he didn't expect anybody to be there unless they were on-call but it was a slow night for them. It was easy enough to find a vacant one and the lock clicked as he entered. He very much doubted that Cristina would get any sleep and frankly, he didn't think he would either.

The scar on his hand stung, it was deeper than he thought and a constant head pounding reminder of what happened. Owen had little to no desire to get the scratch or, whatever it was, was cleaned. _You don't deserve her, or anything,_ his conscious reminded him. It was always there, a constant reminder. It hurt, everything did. He just wanted to rewind, and fix everything that has happened. And most importantly, never hurt Cristina again. If he could, he would erase his own existent if it meant not hurting her. To Owen: it was worth it.

Sleep for Owen was a chore- if he didn't have too- he wouldn't sleep. Sleeping was bad, it brought back the memories, the war. Everything. How he managed to go this far without hurting anybody was an absolute mystery to him. He was a danger, nothing more; nothing less.

He wanted to refuse what was going on, almost as if he's matching the puzzle pieces in his broken life. Trying to fill things in, he refused to believe but he knew better. This was now, this was the present and he broke her trying to be better than he was.

 _I'm so sorry Cristina, I really am._ He wished that he could take everything back. He wanted _her,_ he wanted Cristina.

Nothing could calm him now, he was in the present. What was done, is done and there's nothing he can do to take it back.

Nothing at all.


End file.
